Unrealistic Expectation or Generational/Cultural Difference
The life my dad wants and hopes for me is different than the life i want and hope for myself. Is it me who is overly idealistic with life and goal or is it him that have unrealistic expectations. He wants me to have the good life, to work hard, pay off my debts, marry well, and have a good family. All in all, it sounds great right? Perhaps it is. The goal of that life is the have it all, drive the nice car, have a nice house, a good loving husband, 2.5 children, decent amount of saving in the bank account, wear nice clothes etc etc. Sounds all good huh? The gods in that life will be money and wants.
What about the life i want? Well, The life i want for myself is to live an honest and faithful life to God. I don't always know what that life looks like, but i know it doesn't look like the life my father described to me. I don't care for working a 9-5 job and climbing that corporate ladder, in fact, i can't imagine myself in a suit and talking to business people as if their business is even worth my time. I don't care for driving a nice car, (not that i don't enjoy driving a nice car, cuz i do), but a car is only good for getting me from point A to point B so i can do what i need to do. I want a loving husband too, but not one who will bring me a fat big check every month but too busy to sit down and watch a korean drama with me. I rather have someone who works hard and share my passion for life, to do the things that move God's heart and his people. Do i want to be debt free and have a sizeable saving in the bank? of course! I hate being in debt and not be able to buy myself a new laptop. But if being in debt makes me more grateful for the things i do have and it allows me to experience God's grace and provision, then by all means, bring it on.
I get frustrated at myself too, i wonder if i have chosen the right path for myself, or perhaps i should have stay in undergrad another year and get my computer degree. I wonder if I should have taken an entry level job with a corporation and at least be debt free at this point instead of working as a youth worker. I wonder if i should have quit my youth work job earlier and not spend so much of my life lamenting over my losses and hurts from that job. wonder, wonder, wonder. I can wonder for the rest of my life whether i did the right thing or not, BUT, when will it end? I accepted the fact that God has place me on this journey, i can honestly say that i have tried very hard to follow God's heart and where he leads me. I may have been wrong in "interpreting" His voice, but i like to think that i am a good sheep and i can recognize my sheperd's voice.
Yet it doesn't make it easier to know that somehow i have disappointed my father, to know that i can never live the life that he wants for me. I don't know if it's his approval that i am looking for, or the fact that i don't have a father who shares my faith. Thus, it makes me question everything else.
Sometimes i think i repressed so much of my emotions and feelings that i never know how to word what i am experiencing. Emotions, that word has a negative tone to me. I somehow feel the need to have it all together and not willing to let myself experience too much emotions. Perhaps it's my defense mechanism, my way of protecting myself from feeling vulnerable and out of control. Yet somehow God always allow things in my life to fall apart and then i will be miserable for a time. It makes me long for heaven. Yet all in all, this has been a great adventure and i wonder what God has in store around the corner.
What about the life i want? Well, The life i want for myself is to live an honest and faithful life to God. I don't always know what that life looks like, but i know it doesn't look like the life my father described to me. I don't care for working a 9-5 job and climbing that corporate ladder, in fact, i can't imagine myself in a suit and talking to business people as if their business is even worth my time. I don't care for driving a nice car, (not that i don't enjoy driving a nice car, cuz i do), but a car is only good for getting me from point A to point B so i can do what i need to do. I want a loving husband too, but not one who will bring me a fat big check every month but too busy to sit down and watch a korean drama with me. I rather have someone who works hard and share my passion for life, to do the things that move God's heart and his people. Do i want to be debt free and have a sizeable saving in the bank? of course! I hate being in debt and not be able to buy myself a new laptop. But if being in debt makes me more grateful for the things i do have and it allows me to experience God's grace and provision, then by all means, bring it on.
I get frustrated at myself too, i wonder if i have chosen the right path for myself, or perhaps i should have stay in undergrad another year and get my computer degree. I wonder if I should have taken an entry level job with a corporation and at least be debt free at this point instead of working as a youth worker. I wonder if i should have quit my youth work job earlier and not spend so much of my life lamenting over my losses and hurts from that job. wonder, wonder, wonder. I can wonder for the rest of my life whether i did the right thing or not, BUT, when will it end? I accepted the fact that God has place me on this journey, i can honestly say that i have tried very hard to follow God's heart and where he leads me. I may have been wrong in "interpreting" His voice, but i like to think that i am a good sheep and i can recognize my sheperd's voice.
Yet it doesn't make it easier to know that somehow i have disappointed my father, to know that i can never live the life that he wants for me. I don't know if it's his approval that i am looking for, or the fact that i don't have a father who shares my faith. Thus, it makes me question everything else.
Sometimes i think i repressed so much of my emotions and feelings that i never know how to word what i am experiencing. Emotions, that word has a negative tone to me. I somehow feel the need to have it all together and not willing to let myself experience too much emotions. Perhaps it's my defense mechanism, my way of protecting myself from feeling vulnerable and out of control. Yet somehow God always allow things in my life to fall apart and then i will be miserable for a time. It makes me long for heaven. Yet all in all, this has been a great adventure and i wonder what God has in store around the corner.
posted by fifistorm at 3:48 AM
3 comments
